tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central June 7, 2013 6:50pm-7:21pm PDT
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>> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you for being here. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen!ç stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: folks, thank you so much. ( cheers ) ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. let's get straight to it,ç3w . enormous news coming out of washington, d.c.-- ( cheers ) please, nation. we gotta do it. thank you so much. please,t( folks. we've got to get to the shocking news out of the obama administration that affects any american whñmakes phonexd calls. ( laughter ) so anyone over 25. for more, weu! watch a screen. >> theg# n.s.a. has been secrety spying on everyday americans for months. a new report says the n.s.a. is
collecting phone records from millions of verizon wireless customers. >> the order was issued by the secret surveillance court and granted the government unlimited authority to collect data. >> stephen: yes, the national security agency is spying on our phone calls, and unlike during the bush administration, this time it's the obama administration. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah. this guy, he is always trying to outdo his predecessor. oh, he poured water on their face? i'm going to blow 'em up. did i win? that's how he talks, by the way. that's my obama impression. ( laughter ) now, according to the u.k.'s "guardian" newspaper, verizon's business services division was ordered by the f.b.i. to deliver millions of customers'w3 tele-phony metadata.
metadata means information about a call's lengths, location, and participants. tele-phony is what a two-year-old calls a telephone. ( applause ) and believe me, believe me, obama knows all aboutç the cals between betsy and puppy wuppy. now, folks i'm going to be straight with you. i'm conflicted here, folks. on the one hand thisç proves obama is a tyrannical despot who ignores all the rules. on the other hand, i kind of like tyrannical despots who break all the rules. shows spunk. and just a cherry on top of my conflict sundae, i'm no fan of the "new york times," butok the "new york times" is no fan of obama doing this, saying in today's op-ed, "the administration has now lost all credibility." yes, i'd like to order home delivery of the "new york times," please. ( laughter ) ( applause ) my wife likes the "style"
section. i go straight for the obamaç bashing. but i didn't actually make a phone call justxd then. i just assumed want n.s.a. is listening and will pass it on. ( cheers and applause ). then again, i do think the obama administration has a point. when they call this program "a critical tool in protecting the nation from terrorist threats to the united states," and not just because anyone who has dealt with verizon's customer service wants toç kill someone. now, south carolina senator lindsay graham makes a great point. >> i'm a verizon customer. i don't mind verizon turning over records to the the government if the government is going to make sure they try to match up a known terrorist phoning with somebody in the united states. i don't think you're talking with terrorists. i know i'm not, so we don't have
anything to worry about. >> stephen: yes, if you don't have anything to hide, people should be able to look at anything you've got. that's whyçç i am calling on senator lindsay graham to stop wearing pants. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so we can finally, finally lay to rest the disturbing and i am sure unfound rumors that he is a middle aged lesbian. but i don't for a minute believe that's true. but there is one party whose privacy has been violated here. it's verizon's. we, the public, have no right to know their private information that they turned over our private information. ( laughter ) this will lose verizon millions of customers, or it would if their contract ever expired. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the point is-- the point is, folks, these domestic spying programs are sometimes necessary. and i know that because i have
received spy training from retired undercover c.i.a. agent and executive director of the international spy museum peter earnest. let's relive that moment in tonight'sçó "colbert classic." ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) thank you for taking the time to talk to me today. >> i'm delighted to meet with you. >> stephen: you're going to teach me how to be a spy. why are you the man? give me your bona fide bona fid. >> i was for 25 years in the clandestine service. that's operations, recruiting and running agents, covert action. >> stephen: how many people have you killed? >> none. >> stephen: would you tell me if hu? >> i would-- i would -- >> stephen: would you. >> i would probably hoanl that. >> stephen: okay, i'll put you down for seven. >> that's a high number. >> stephen: is it? >> yes. >> stephen: not as high as eight. >> that's true. >> stephen: who is the most exotic lady spy you ever seduced on a mission?
>> first of all, i never seduced a woman spy on a mission. >> stephen: they seduced you? >> no, no, in other words, it just didn't happen. >> stephen: there was no seduction it was just cold-blood humping. >> i probably would not characterize it that way. ( laughter ). >> stephen: keep it kind of spicy. >> no, but i think in the course of operations, you do run into interesting people, and you run into them in very intimate circumstances. >> stephen: while serving the c.i.a., you got the agency's intelligence medal of merit. >> yes. >> stephen: for superior performance throughout your career. >> yes. >> stephen: doesn't having a c.i.a. medal of merit on your chest kind of blow your cover when you're in the field? >> i am no longer undercover. my medal is right here. >> stephen: that's a good-looking medal. >> yeah, that's the medal of merit. and since i'm no longer undercover, i have my medal. >> stephen: can i take a look at that? >> you certainly can. you'll notice, by the way, that has my name on it.
>> stephen: it sure does. that could be buffed off. how much do you want for this?ç no, i wouldn't put a price on it. >> stephen: come on! >> i wouldn't sellç my medal. >> what's it worth? 50 bucks? >> i wouldn't sell is. >> stephen: ç 100 i want it. where do you keep this? >> i just have it right here on the credenza right over there. >> okay.u!ç >> stephen: what's the difference between a spy and a magician? ( laughter ) >> the difference-- well, bothç the magician and the spy engage-- can engage in deceit, deception. >> stephen: right, illusions. >> illusions. >> stephen: i'll do a little trick for you right now. think of the four of clubs. >> okay i've got it in my mind. okay. ( laughter )
>>ç stephen: is ç2g the card? ( applause ) >>ñr ... theg# knowledge that yu pulled out the card that you >> stephen: you're welcome. >> thank you. >> stephen: when working under cover, iç assume it's bet to have a whole new identity. >> yes. i think, yes. >> stephen: let me try one on you right now. >> sure. >> stephen: hello. ( laughter ) i'm peter earnest. and who are you? >>w3 i'm peter earnest. >> stephen: that can't beç because i'm peter earnest. >> well--çç >>ñr well. >> stephen: i never metç$ anybody. >> it's remarkable. >> stephen: ç it's remarkable. >> let me ask you this. do you know where peter earnest was born? >> stephen: america? scotland? >> edinborough. >> stephen: scotland. >> okay. >> stephen: this is my office and that's my desk and that's my
medal. >> not-- well, now -- >> stephen: that is my medal over there. >> we talked about thatç now. we've ruled that out. >> stephen: excuse me? >> we've riewstled that out. >> stephen: ok which one is it, america? who is the real peter earnest? i'mxd say something only peter earnest would say. i'm peter earnest upon. >> but i'm peter earnest. >> stephen: prepare yourself fair shock. you're you. ( laughter ) >> well, i mean, içv: feelççç reassured. >> stepúwn: so,ç okay,çççu appear to be sufficiently bad-ass to teach me how to be a spy. >> thank you. >> stephen: okay. what do i have to do to become a spy? >> number one, assume nothing. >> stephen: all right, iñr don't. >> okay, don'tqçççów3ç assum. >> stephen: i don't know, nor i do care. >> be prepared to take risks, such as breaking into a place you shouldn't be. >> stephen: )okay.3 >> all right?
>> stephen: okay. >> finally, you need to carry out a covert action, a covert mission. >> stephen: okay, let's give it a shot. let's go. >> let'sç go.ç okay. what you have here, stephen, is a tie. just imagine yourself wearing that tie. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> underneath your shirt is >> underneath your shirt is strapped aa >> stephen: and you scrap that camera on your chest to hide your ugly tie? >> no, no, think of it as reversed. in other words, the straps and the camera are underneath your shirt. >> stephen: holding your tie down. >> no, no, the tie soever the shirt. sp what you've got is a camera concealed behind the tie. >> stephen: okay, that is taking photographs of your tie. >> no, no, no, what you do, you have a little hole, a little hole in the tie and a camera peek throughs that hole and can take a picture. >> stephen: of someone else's tie? >> no. >> stephen: it this looks
like a fire cracker. >> they say rectal tool kit. >> stephen: come again? >> okay. you see those little tools there-- knives, screwdrivers? all of those fit into the little kit there that closes and it can be concealed in the rectum. >> stephen: the whole kit and caboodle goes where the sun don't shine. >> you're absolutely correct. >> stephen: and you try to capture me and go, "sure, search me anywhere, just not my butt." >> that is right. look at this. it's made to look like a dictionary. it's a concealment device. >> stephen: and that entire thing goes up your butt? >> no. >> stephen: what do we have here? >> it is a pipe gun. >> stephen: you could go up to a high-value target. >> high-value target and you could smoke near them for 20 years and kill them with secondhand smoke. >> you could do that, that's one way. >> stephen: no one would see that coming. >> not for 20 years. they wouldn't know until right at the end. what you have here, stephen, is
a rectal concealment device for a cyanide capsule. it's another rectal concealment device. >> stephen: yes, yes, i'm aware of that. i'm just-- there's a little more rectal activity here than... ( laughter ) is there no other place to hide things on the humanxd body? >> well, think about it. think about it. >> stephen: i'm thinking about it right now. >> think about it. >> stephen: let's move on. i had learned the basics, but to complete my training i first had to complete a risky coconvert mission. thank you so much for talking to me today, peter. >> okay, it was great having yor here, stephen. >> stephen: good-bye. >>ç bye. ♪ ♪ >> take risks, such as breaking into a place you shouldn't be. carry out a convert mission.
( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: ]7qlcome back,qçñr everybody, thank you)íeryñrqá . my guests tonight have collaborated on a new southern gothic super natural musical. it's a real toe-tapper with somebody else's toe. please welcome john mellencamp, stephen king, and t bone turnett. ( cheers and applause ). good to see you again. steveeb, stephen, t bone, welcome toç the show. all right, fell as, thisç is an unusual melarge of people to have in one place.m the front row, yes. >> what was that one word you used. >> stephen: melange? >> what does that mean? >> stephen: it's like a mix. >> lemon melange pie. >> stephen: exactly. i was hoping-- i was hopingxd to
getzv k.j. rowelling and bob seeinger and phil spector.çç but you guys--t( you guys ar jut as good because i'm huge fans of all of you. you've got a new projectç which is fascinating. it's called "ghost brothers of darkland county." and we'll get to this in just-- what it's about in just one moment. but what is this about? how did the three of you-- i mean, youxd more likely i'm less likely to see you two mixed up with these guys. how did you get involved in writing a musical? >> john and i had the same agent, and john was talking to this guy and the guy wanted him to do like a "mama mia" kind of thing, be on stage and all songs -- >> stephen: all mellencamp. "it's about jack and diane, and they were living in a small town called r-o-c-k in the u.s.a. the fought authority but
authority won. and then? >> the guy and i just went on and we were just talking and i told him about this cab i had just bought, and i was saying i couldn't believe i paid for this thing, and we fixed it all up and stayed there one night and the place was haunted. >> stephen: you bought a haunted house. >> yes, two brothers and a girl in 1935 were talking and drinking and they got mad at each other, the two boys knot mad at each other, and one hit the other one over the head with the poker in front of the fireprice. the other two take off to get help because it's his brother. they're driving intoç town-- remember how big the cars were and how gravelly the roads used to be in 1935 it's kids lose control, slide off into aç lak. they tie, so they recover all the kids and the-- >> get to the point. >> so they find the kids in the car, wondering why wherehis w was, go back took the
laying t5"átre in the front yard with his head eaten off. some animal ate his head off. ( laughter ) >> stephen: wait a second. wait a second. they're delicious. ( laughter ) heads are delicious. >> stephen: not everybody left in the front yard gets their head eaten off. >> it gives new meaning to the term getting ( bleep ), doesn't it? >> stephen: don't touch me. >> he's blushing. >> stephen: a little bit. >> he's blushing! >> stephen: a little bit. i called him up and you said, "i've already written that novel." i've got it all down. who roped you in, t bone. >> john called. he's got about a two-hour 45-minute version ofç this. it's been about 10 years now they've been working on it. and they haven't figured out
[ roars ] ♪ [ roars ] ♪ [ roars ] ♪ [ male announcer ] universal studios summer of survival. ♪ comedy central ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. we are here talking about stephen king and t bone turnett, and joh john mellencamp. they haveç a new musical called "ghost brothers of darkland county." it is available right now as a book, a cd, a stage play, a tour, an enhanced e-book. also a series of wiek mowave able entrees, i think.çmy you have ghost story. you have murder. you've got death. you've got love lost. you've got someone with their head eaten. are these upbeat, summertime fun
songs? am i going tov: see these songsn "glee" in a year? >> actually, you might. >> stephen: youçó might, really? >> one of the things steve and i discussed when we first startedç is that the songs are not meant3 to move the story forward. you know, like "jesus christ superstar." and we didn't want any dancing,un. no dangs in the show. >> stephen: okay. no story, no dancing. goç on. you've got me. >> there's a little dancing. a little show. >> stephen: let's talk about some of the people you gotfá#g. you can neko case, elvis costello. you've got kris kristofferson, sheryl crow. you've got-- who does elvis play? >> the devil. >> stephen: he plays thet( devil. why? because he has an english1eö accentoz[k devil. >> stephen: dispu have spoken dialogue. some of the dialogue is spoang by matthew mcconaughey. >> yeah. >> stephen: please tell me he
recorded it without a shirt on. ( laughter ) i'll hear the shirt. i'll heartshirt. if you lied, i'll hear the shirt iif i listen to it. >> totally nude. >> stephen: playing thezv bongoze. >>]i mandatory. >> stephen: i have aok bone to pick with your process. why collaborate? because when you collaborate you have to share credit. ( laughter ) i don't collaborate here. i just eye do everything on the show. iç just-- i elaborate. >> you think you're beingçó funy -- >> stephen: i don't. >> but the truth of the matter is that i don't collaborate kids. >> stephen: i was wondering why you have a black eye. ( laughterç )ç çñfa room and types. and the only person that has any social skills at all is t bone. >> stephen: "nçmy yeah. and he never takes his sun glass
off. well, john, thank you so much. stephen, thank you so much. t bone, pleasure to have met you. thanks for coming. ladies and gentlemen, "ghost brothers of darkland county," available on a cd. it's available as an e-book. go get it. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) tbjl&(3! ""dzdz-x,xd.;(7]woeqeq4""0gufq w